I am mad as hell at Sean Hannity.
Just yesterday an obscure writer in Utah pens an article calling Hannity "a pimp" for the GOP, and today this writer is almost as famous as William Hung. TV stations all over America are begging him to do interviews, while Sean Hannity has agreed to debate him in a public forum, thereby guaranteeing the emergence of a new household name -- and a household name that isn't Lee Harris, author of Civilization and Its Enemies.
That just isn't fair. Why should I be punished by obscurity simply because I have never thought of saying something mean and stupid about Sean Hannity, while this jerk who wrote his measly little article basks in the light of media publicity. If only I had known, instead of writing all that tedious stuff about Hegel in my book, I would have written limericks intended to put Sean Hannity in a cruelly satiric light, with the second or fifth lines ending with "profanity" and "inanity" or "insanity" or "vanity" or "if he had'ny," as in good sense or intelligence or something else that he would be angered to be accused of not having any of.
Maddeningly, it is pointless trying to beat young Master Hannity up over his looks. Everyday, when I drive to the grocery store, I have to pass by an enormous billboard with that man's cheerfully smiling face on it, framed by all that ostentatious hair. Only now each time I go by I will have to think, "That face could have been staring angrily at mine in front of a crowded auditorium full of reporters and camera men, while I could be staring daggers at him."
Now I admit I would feel terrible if I did happen to catch Sean Hannity looking at me that way, because he does seem like such a nice fellow that I can't imagine how rude I would have to be in order to make him angry. But, who knows, sometimes you can't tell about these stars. People thought that they knew Joan Crawford, too.
Okay, so where is the list of the ten reasons to hate Sean Hannity? Or was that such a cheap trick to lure the reader further into an article that clearly has no design except to shamelessly plug its author's book?
Well, frankly, yes, it was. But that won't keep me from delivering on my promise. Nor do I have any problem stating my first reason with some genuine bit of warmth.
Reason No. 1: He is selling far more copies of his book than I am of mine.
Reason No. 2: He does not have to resort to cheap tricks like this in order to get people's attention.
Now if at this point, you are beginning to doubt my impartiality, go back and read the title of this piece. It's not called Ten Reasons For You to Hate Sean Hannity. Furthermore, impartiality, if you think about it, is a much overrated virtue. For example, you don't see Sean Hannity on TV holding up his book in one hand and my book in the other, and saying, "To be completely impartial about it...," now do you? You will notice it is always his book that he is pushing, never mine. You call that fair and balanced?
Okay, I will leave it up to you to come up with the other eight reasons -- and you are free to call up and ask a Democrat friend to help you out with your list, if you prefer. And while you're at it, you might want to mention my name, too. Who knows they might have a second cousin who was once married to someone who went to college with a pal of the guys who knows the janitor at National Review, and that way somebody over their way might finally review my damn book.
What's the worst they can call me? A pimp for the GOP? Not very likely.
Once again, that's Lee Harris, author of Civilization and Its Enemies. I may not be Hung, but I am trying my best.